True Blood S05E09: Everybody Wants to Rule the World

This week True Blood finally gets its sculpted ass in gear and wraps up some of its B-plots, presumably in preparation for the all-out clusterfart that this year’s finale is almost certainly going to be. The good: all the Lafayette, particularly the meta-complainin’, everything Terry/Arlene-related, Newlin/Edgington, the continuation of Sam Merlotte, Pet Detective; the bad: vampire authority shenanigans, anyone who still persists in caring about werewolves.

We kick off with some encouraging signs on the EnjoyableLafayetteMeter, as he says some sassy things about ghosts and their esoteric means of communication. Season 5 Lafayette has become Season 4 Pam, expressing all the stuff that makes no goshdarned sense about the show’s internal logic. Plus it’s nice to see the showrunners are persisting with this version of Sookie who seems at ease with her supernatural lot to the point of only being mildly dismayed at the thought of having to fend off yet another ancient vampire, to whit, Warlow, murderer of the senior Stackhouses. In any case, Sookie Nancy Drews the crap out of Jason’s report card and concludes that Bud Dearborne knows more than he’s letting on.

Meanwhile, looks like Deputy Kenya is as much a regular feature as Officer Kevin, and I am tickled shitless by that. She literally gives no hoots about Hoyt’s supposed love for Jessica, however Jess protests. After some good old-fashioned police brutality, Sheriff Andy notices some familiar boots on the hate-crime team’s website and also decides to pay Bud a visit. Rather disappointingly, the mysterious Dragon who’s been terrorising the town is a totally new character called Sweetie Des Arts, who is presumably a much bigger factor in the books. Shmeh. After a  pretty rollicking showdown in which Bud gets CHUMPKILLED OUTTA NOWHERE, everyone is safe, Andy is over his minutes-long crisis of confidence and rather amazingly, Luna doesn’t seem quite so intolerable this week. BUT! Is Hoyt okay? WELL??? Oh wait, I’m all out of cares. Rats.

At long last Terry and Arlene are given some quality time together to be the most wonderful couple this show has mustered, Good!Hoyt/Jessica included. After the ghost Iraqi lady’s ultimatum, Terry finally challenges Patrick to a fair fight, which I guess involves him beating Patrick to death? Because that’s more noble? But whatever because of course Patrick kidnaps Arlene and holds her at gunpoint. Terry uses his superior army skills to disarm him and Arlene proves herself the Undisputed Badass of the World by shooting Patrick in the neck. Finally Terry finishes the job and Gary the CGI intern draws a smoke monster eating Patrick’s corpse. So I guess there’s no need to follow up on that mystery! Anyway, happy Terry = happy me.

God the werewolf stuff is being written while someone who should know better is on the can. Alcide is driving away from Jackson listening to broody music, and is brooding. He broods so hard there’s a flashback to teen Alcide and teen Debbie, who as it turned out had a nightmare childface in her early years. W/E. Alcide goes to live with his dad, and is a lone wolf now because of reasons. Then we find out why we put up with this crap for so long when Russell strolls in with his new beau Steve and in seconds undermines the pack’s entire political structure by stealing Luna’s kid and presenting her to Steve as a pet. Great work.

Okay, vampire politics central is Indiana Jones and the Temple of Cray right now. The episode starts with a naked dude on a table, who has his peen on display and is feasted upon, presumably peen-first. The master plan of ‘let’s blow up all the Tru Blood, then there won’t be any’ is moving apace, and the fact that no one thought of that til now when it is evidently within their power to do so remains unaddressed like the big stupid elephant in the room. Then there’s some rebellion shenanigans, Eric says ‘I don’t speak techie’ because in his head he’s the hard-boiled cop in a 1980s action movie, Bill hatefucks Salome until she looks like Sookie (dream? blood hallucination? Active imagination? Fan service for the three people who still ship those two?) and eventually Eric doublecrosses Terrible Terrible Doucheface Nora in an attempt to escape, only for Bill to thwart him with the old ‘block the escape route with armed vampire guards’ switcheroo. Then Eric makes this face:

And as a weird pop-punk cover of the title track plays massively inappropriately over the closing scene, indeed, I know how he feels. Nothing much else to cover, which is nice, just that Pam/Tara is still a thing, and shifting stock around a bar is pretty easy when you’re a vampire. Pretty solid episode this week, finally putting the danged ifrit out in the trash and getting some quality Terlene time into the bargain, and boy I hope they’ve got a strong ending for the Vampire Line because I still miss Meloni in a big way. Never Forget. Next week we’re into the final stretches, so let’s get ready for some well-planned resolution of the major plot hahaha no it’s going to be so so stupid and you know it. Finally, here’s our thought for the day from Flawless!Lafayette.


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