In a lot of ways the title of the True Blood season 5 finale is absolutely accurate. This has been an incredibly hit-and-miss season, full of charming little details and crushing disappointments and a substantial supply of who-gives-a-craps. This episode did tell us one thing for sure though: this show is very little without Alex Skarsgard. This week’s good: Lafayette’s every glorious precious beautiful second of screen time, ditto Eric; the bad: True Blood’s Chumpkill 2012 Killoffstravaganza.
Right out of the blocks is the biggest cliffhanger copout in TB history, which may have actually given the True Blood Cliffhanger Copout a little shark jump all of its own as Russell Edgington bites it before the opening credits, which is a lot like finishing your ice cream before a nice steak dinner. Sure you knew it was coming, but that steak dinner was supposed to build up to the ice cream, and now that steak dinner has very little to offer you besides Alexander Skarsgard making this face:
Not even a last-minute vampire duel to the death, not even a few more of the faerie crew getting drained like a juice carton. Apparently the elder faerie only had to die so she could concuss Jason back to season two when he was vehemently opposed to vampires. Yup, this episode threw us concussion as a plot device. This scene also gave us reason to hate that little bit more whatever douchenozzle cast Terrible And Unspeakably Alive Nora and her almost intentionally irritating line readings this week. How many vampires have not reacted like this in the presence of Sookie? Bluh bluh bad casting please kill kthxbi.
Later, Sam gives new meaning to naked lunch and tries to reason with Evil Bill, who does not listen because he is Evil Bill now, who cares not for your reason. Sam and Luna make the most of the Fly Vision camera effect that no one has used since the eighties, and manage to do some of the episode’s sillier shit. Luna skinwalks as Steve Newlin but briefly forgets to do his southern accent, gets on television without being rumbled and while she successfully tells the nation that vampires are hiding in a secret underground base plotting the demise of humanity, she seems pretty darned sick now. So maybe, just maybe, she won’t make it to next summer. Also, Sam chumpkills Wonderful Chancellor Rosalyn by turning back into Sam inside her head, which makes vampires go like that one guy in Total Recall. Jesus, True Blood.
Meanwhile back in vampire jail Jessica and Pam are having a little chat about how religion is stupid. Pam has great delivery and all but Alan Ball has got to chill the crap out about how all manner of conviction is terrible, and this scene was all manner of clunky. But not nearly as clunky as when the vampire team comes to save them both and Tara goes right in there and gets her smooch on with Pam, because of I’m sure several thoroughly logical reasons. If they had been getting along so famously the show kept it decidedly quiet. Pam deserves better and their relationship has never even vaguely verged on sexual. Though it does get points for this:
Adorbs. But not nearly as adorbs as the little cocktail party Lafayette is throwing for Holly, Arlene and that weird Jane Boathouse lady from season two, who seems to have regrown the fingers she lost way back when. Anyway this whole thread is all about Andy’s faerie wifey giving climactic birth to four halflings, and I guess Andy/Holly is a family unit now because Holly responds to the whole mess by saying ‘you’re a dick’. Those are four little half-faerie people, dude. ‘You’re a dick’ and Andy doing his little guilty pugface doesn’t quite cover it. Anyway, we’ve both had a rough day at the True Blood office, so here’s some Lafayette to chill out with.
Something something werewolves. Remember Rikki? Well she almost OD’d and then didn’t. And then Alcide took some vampire blood and killed the evil packmaster and now Alcide is packmaster. It’s like the little plotline that could. But Robert Patrick looks like he’s going to stick around a while, so hurrah.
Finally, everyone’s in the authority executive lounge for what passes for an endgame in this season. Bill tricks Salome’s wig into drinking poisoned Lilith blood and then stakes her, and none of this friggin plotline makes sense. Ugh. Meanwhile Terrible Nora does some Terrible Wirework that has to be seen to be believed and Eric kills some vampires like popping all the balloons at a birthday party. Vampires are remarkably easy to kill. So they save Pam and Pam is all
because they are an actuals otp. Then Eric and Sookie go back to talk Evil Bill out of being Evil Bill, but it turns out he has learned some Evil Scripture because that is proof of his Evility. Then he drinks Lilith’s blood, melts and comes back as Lilith!Bill or Billith, as he shall henceforth be known. So he’s the season six big bad! And I guess the season five big bad because Russell got chumpkilled at the eleventh hour! Oh well!
So that’s it folks! Your vampire soap opera is done for a year and we have learned exactly nothing except that the writers have literally run out of ideas and have started reworking old ones. I have checked my records and unless season six is just Eric and Lafayette hanging out and shooting the breeze there is not much to draw me back. In the morning I will tie myself to the roof of my building and meet the True Death, unless it is cloudy.