It’s time for the final punchline in the one long dick joke that was Supernatural Season 7. That’s right: we’ve got a finale on our hands, folks. The Carry on my Wayward Son montage proves it in case you completely zoned out over the last season. I wouldn’t blame you.
But moving on… Remember how Dick Roman pulled the Devil’s Trap gambit last episode? (and seriously, by now you’d think Crowley would catch on and maybe find a way to appear a few feet to the right of where the summoner summoned him) Now, we’re opening the episode on Dick and Crowley talking shop about the Leviathans’ plan to take over the world and turn all humans into delicious and nutritious monster meals. Dick finally manages to crack a deal by offering Crowley and the demons free range grazing, but only as long as Crowley hands the Winchesters a pre-prepared vial of blood and the demon sales team stays out of America. Lots of delicious fat people, you see. Oh ho ho. Crowley ends with a legal coup de gras when he pulls out the longest legal rider in the history of anything, but Dick is undaunted and they start getting their business on.
Join us now with the Brothers Winchester as they’re stuck in an argument yet again in their substandard car of the week. Deus ex Radio helpfully points out Dick’s holed up in Sucrocorp HQ, which neatly sets up where this episode’s headed. And after a Chekhov’s Gun setup of Maid!Bobby making his way to Sucrocorp and some more mad legalese sparring between Dick and Crowley, we return to the intrepid Winchesters as they attempt to find a righteous bone in a nunnery to help complete their superweapon. Dean says “Let’s bone this nun.” Sam is uncomfortable. All is right with their brotherly dynamic.
So then they’re trying to summon Crowley for the last vial of blood needed to create said superweapon and Meg shows up instead with a knock at the door and more terrible acting. Cas is apparently outside and something’s up. In the next few minutes, Dean finds out that Cas wants to protect all the monkeys being used for cosmetic testing, and that his angelic garrison got killed off by the Leviathans. Meaning of course, Kevin Tran: Prophet of the Lord and AP Student is in enemy hands officially. Poor Kevin, he’s actually turned out pretty kick-butt for a tertiary character.
Crowley finally shows up and is disgusted by Meg and Cas existing- remember, Cas went all God on him last time they were in the same room. Cas gives Crowley honey in return. Crowley is confused. He does end up admitting the blood in the vial isn’t his, and that there’s a gigantic Dick plot afoot. One that would involve substituting his blood with another demon’s. Of course, that plan would just be too straightforward and Crowley is having none of that.
Scene change to Maid!Bobby attempting to get into Sucrocorp to exact ghostly revenge. However, after touching a piece of iron, Bobby ends up popping out of the maid, and the maid is understandably suspicious of the scruffy old dude that had been hanging out in her body for the last episode. Bobby reveals he’s truly gone darkside when he just goes and possesses the maid again and they go off on their merry way again.
But this does get us back to Kevin Tran: Prophet of the Lord, who’s currently hanging out in the Leviathan green room. Suddenly, a lackey brings in a blonde, teenage plot device who just goes right back to fast food zombie-ing around. Hey, at least in the meantime, Sam and Dean finally find time to pull the bone ritual thing while Cas shows up with solidarity sandwiches for everyone.
And back to the action in Sucrocorp. Kevin and Plot Device are told to get dressed in matching casual prom attire, Kevin obviously feels uncomfortable with the girl stripping down right in the same room as him. However, Plot Device’s garment bag also includes some fetching Deus Ex Bobbypins, which Kevin (c)overtly palms.
It turns out there’s one big leviathan board meeting going on! And it’s apparently a pretty big deal. As Dick says: “The last time we were all in one room was when we were inside that angel.” And that’s a whole season ago. Kevin sneakily listens in and finds out their nefarious plan: the US fast food zombie population is track to be divided into sectors for food, labor and testing… and skinny people are the next culling target! Plot Device’s reasons for being cast are finally revealed when Dick sticks her with a syringe of doctored non-dairy creamer, making her foam at the mouth and keel over. Of course, Kevin completely fails at being smooth and gets picked up when he ineffectually tries to escape.
Sam and Dean, meanwhile, have been finding many Dicks at Sucrocorp. Dick’s gone and copied himself a few times over, so now they’re going to have issues finding the real Dick to bone. Oh the humanity. Maid!Bobby, on the other hand, is also trying to make another crack at Sucrocorp, and what do you know it’s at the same time. Sam, of course, tries to reason with Bobby, but then Maid!Bobby pulls out a hugeass knife and tries to gank Sam, before having a patented “what have I become” moment and bailing on the maidsuit.
So they all end up bailing, and Cas has more solidarity sandwiches. It’s clear the sandwiches are a distraction from the real issue at hand, so Dean asks him straight up: “Got anything to say on the topic of Dicks? Crowley was pretty sure that you could help.” And yes, Cas is definitely hiding some repressed emotion with those solidarity sandwiches, but Dean’s had just about enough of his BFF doing his manic pixie dream angel thing and has a hissy fit at him for being all broken and stuff (as if Dean can talk with the way he’s been since season 2). Cas retreats to a game of Twister. Then Meg decides she herself has had just about enough of Dean’s own manly emotional constipation and reveals that Cas will be able to sort though the many Dicks at Sucrocorp and determine which one’s the real Dick.
Bobby finally shows up and is rightfully ashamed of himself for turning into a revenge poltergeist. Turns out, maybe Bobby’s better off dead, so Dean finally lets go and burns the Flask of Transportation +10, but not before Bobby advises them to “Go get Dick. But don’t do it because you think it’ll scratch the itch.” Godspeed, Bobby, took a few episodes to realize it, but you were better off not kicking around in ghost form after all. I think I’m ready to let go now.
But before they go get Dick, there’s something they have to do first. Dean and Cas astroblast their way back to Bobby’s old place to pick up the Impala. YES! The third Winchester is back in business. In another manly emotion moment, Cas worries he’s not good luck for this Leviathan hunting expedition despite having just brought Dean all the way to Sioux Falls. Dean basically says they’re all cursed, which is probably pretty accurate for a family that’s gone to hell and back at least twice, and went back in time a few times too. Dean totally forgives Cas, but he’s not going to admit it, no siree, so they just share another one of their long, drawn out looks.
And finally: the scene that’s been a season in the making. The Impala gloriously blasts its way across the screen, storming Sucrocorp HQ to the dulcet notes of Born to be Wild. People running out of the road, signs being run into. It’s beautiful and totally makes up for the substandard cars Sam and Dean have been driving all season. Kinda. Maybe.
But wait… the car stops and Meg steps out, badass as you please. Which incidentally tells you how serious this business is, or that Dean just doesn’t care as much as he used to about who gets to drive the Impala. Sam, Dean and Cas, meanwhile, have snuck in through the backdoor and are already in Sucrocorp HQ. Sam finds Kevin locked away and the non-dairy creamer plot is revealed. And while that’s all happening, Cas and Dean run into Dick in a lab. Dean stabs Dick with the bone, nothing happens. Oh no, did Crowley actually dick them all over again? Well hold onto your collective booty because Dean then pulls out the real bone and stabs Dick right though the neck while he’s otherwise occupied with gloating and stuff. And after some supervillainesque laughter, Dick explodes all over the room in a shower of goo. Black goo.
So it looks like that’s the end of the Leviathans… ALTHOUGH. Cas and Dean have mysteriously gone missing in the Leviagoo explosion. Crowley shows up and gloats about his plan to keep the Leviathans unbalanced and leaderless, while Sam has a major oh shiz moment when he realizes he’s all alone in the world with no one to vent his codependency issues on.
Because oh yes, that’s right. We’re cutting to Dean waking up in Purgatory with Cas. Cue Dean’s own oh shiz moment, and that’s a wrap.
Will re-souled Sam survive on his lonesome with nary a relative in sight? Will Dean finally get over his emotional constipation while stuck at Monster Ground Zero with Cas? Will they finally get a new actress for Meg, one who doesn’t have the weirdest way of phrasing sentences? Stay tuned for next season which is happening… in a few months.
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