LUNCH BREAK ADVENTURES PART THREE OF WHATEVER ALREADY

[12:56:47] Jac: ok, time for lunch

[12:57:06] Dave: BUT WAIT

[12:57:36] Dave: you WAKE to find yourself in a dark, damp CELLAR. it is SUPER GROSS

[12:57:54] Dave: there is a really SKETCHY LOOKING WIZARD hovering over you

[12:57:58] Dave: what do you do?

[12:58:10] Jac: does the wizard have a staff

[12:58:22] Dave: OF COURSE

[12:58:29] Dave: he would be kind of a SHITTY WIZARD otherwise

[12:58:48] Jac: could we take the staff from him

[12:59:27] Dave: you appear to be SHACKLED at the WRISTS. challenging him in physical combat would be a FOOL’S ERRAND

[13:00:01] Jac: hmm, I use my mental powers to knock the wizard out, unlock the shackles via telekinesis

[13:00:06] Jac: then take the staff

[13:00:10] Dave: SOUNDS FINE TO ME

[13:00:20] Dave: roll for mentalkinesis

[13:00:25] Jac: 7

[13:01:23] Dave: your ASTONISHING MENTAL PROWESS can only muster a PRETTY GNARLY CHINESE BURN on the WIZARD’S WRIST

[13:01:30] Jac: lame

[13:01:31] Dave: he drops the STAFF OF POWER

[13:01:48] Dave: and whimpers like A PARTICULARLY STARTLED CHILD

[13:02:04] Jac: can I use my feet to pick up the staff and footmagic the bonds off

[13:02:05] Jac: ?

[13:02:18] Dave: roll for footmagic

[13:02:21] Jac: 9

[13:02:24] Dave: jeez

[13:02:58] Dave: OKAY, your FOOTMAJJICKS are JUST ABOUT STRONG ENOUGH to bust the manacles or whatever

[13:03:06] Dave: you are FREE

[13:03:15] Jac: cool cool, so I get up and shake my wrists out

[13:03:30] Jac: and did you say there was a door here?

[13:03:41] Dave: there is EXACTLY ONE DOOR

[13:03:59] Dave: it is to the NORTH, leads to a CELLAR, and is blocked by a BESHITTENED WIZARD

[13:04:21] Jac: move the wizard out of the way, leave the cell

[13:04:33] Dave: roll for move wizard

[13:04:43] Jac: 5

[13:05:21] Dave: your CONTINUING RUN OF WEAKSAUCE ROLLS does not enable you to cause any significant damage to the SHITTY WIZARD.

[13:05:28] Dave: the WIZARD is EMBOLDENED

[13:05:33] Dave: he challenges you to a DUEL

[13:05:44] Jac: screw that, I’ll just hit him over the head with the staff

[13:05:51] Dave: roll for bop

[13:06:06] Jac: 12

[13:06:16] Dave: you BOP him INTO INCAPACITY

[13:06:21] Dave: loot INCAPACITATED WIZARD?

[13:06:30] Jac: yes

[13:07:13] Dave: you find 12 GOLD, a FROG, a MEDIUM HEALTH POTION, a LETTER FROM THE ELDER ONES, and a COLLECTION OF ELF PORNO MAGS

[13:07:30] Jac: read the letter?

[13:07:46] Dave: you put the LOOT into your BAG OF INVENTORY and OPEN THE LETTER

[13:08:40] Dave: in characters you cannot READ yet somehow ELDRITCHLY COMPREHEND, the dark one CTHULHU screams out to you from the DEEP BEYOND, his words twisting MADNESS BOMBS through all the IMPORTANT BITS OF YOUR BRAIN

[13:09:43] Dave: the letter reads “PREPARE THE PRISONER FOR DEPORTATION TO THE REALM OF ETERNAL DOLDRUMS, WHERE THEY SHALL ENTER DATA FOR ALL ETERNITY”

[13:09:58] Dave: you have never been so scared in your whole life

[13:10:29] Jac: ok, I’ll use the staff to fortify my mind against the deep ones with a spell

[13:10:46] Dave: you use the STAFF OF PLOT HOLES

[13:10:56] Dave: your INT is now +2

[13:11:03] Dave: giving you a total of 2

[13:11:17] Dave: you probably shouldn’t have flunked so many classes at WIZARD UNI

[13:11:23] Jac: D:

[13:11:32] Jac: can we leave the room now?

[13:11:34] Dave: YES

[13:11:38] Jac: to the cellar!

[13:11:43] Dave: YAY

[13:11:51] Dave: you enter the CELLAR

[13:11:57] Dave: it is packed to the rafters with FINE WINES

[13:12:18] Jac: pick up two wine bottles of good vintage then

[13:12:19] Dave: to the NORTH is the KITCHEN, to the WEST a UTILITY CLOSET

[13:12:29] Dave: you grab the NEAREST BOTTLES TO HAND

[13:12:40] Dave: they look PRETTY GOOD TO YOU

[13:12:47] Dave: you store them in your BAG OF INVENTORY

[13:12:55] Jac: what’s in the utility closet?

[13:13:10] Dave: you open the DOOR TO THE UTILITY CLOSET

[13:13:22] Dave: it’s full of BEEEEEEEEEEES!

[13:13:27] Dave: D:

[13:13:40] Jac: magic myself up a beekeeper suit

[13:13:49] Dave: i GUESS that’s FINE

[13:13:53] Jac: ๐Ÿ˜›

[13:14:09] Dave: you use the STAFF OF MAGUFFIN to MAJIKK up a BEESUIT

[13:14:14] Dave: it is DAPPER AND PRACTICAL

[13:14:39] Jac: cool, I’ll grab some honey and beeswax, then close the door and head to the kitchen

[13:15:06] Dave: you STUFF the BAG OF INVENTORY with the MEMORABEELIA

[13:15:13] Dave: EVERYTHING IS STICKY NOW

[13:15:22] Jac: no, because my bag had ziplocks in it

[13:15:34] Dave: YOU SQUELCH YOUR STICKY MESS to the KITCHEN

[13:15:44] Jac: ZIPLOCKS

[13:15:45] Dave: it appears UNGUARDED

[13:15:49] Dave: WHATEVER

[13:15:53] Jac: can I get a skillet

[13:15:59] Jac: another skillet

[13:16:07] Dave: you hunt HIGH AND LOW for a PRECIOUS, LIFEGIVING SKILLET

[13:16:18] Dave: there is nothing but WOKS as far as the eye can see

[13:16:25] Dave: guess these wizards like to STIR FRY

[13:16:34] Jac: are there any particularly heavy woks

[13:16:42] Dave: YES

[13:16:47] Jac: pick up that one

[13:16:59] Jac: and break the handle off another one, attach it to the top of the beekeepers mask for a helmet

[13:17:11] Dave: you HEFT the WOK OF MIGHTY BRAINING

[13:17:29] Dave: you are now dual-wielding, which is a NEW FEATURE FOR THIS GAME

[13:17:37] Jac: schweet!

[13:18:07] Dave: you also combine the WOK BOWL and the BEEHAT to form the BEEHEMOTH

[13:18:11] Dave: your armour rating soars to +3

[13:18:26] Jac: (dance)

[13:18:39] Jac: can I get upstairs from here

[13:18:46] Dave: YES

[13:19:05] Dave: there is one door to the NORTH that leads UP TO THE DINING ROOM

[13:19:13] Jac: let’s go up there

[13:19:25] Dave: OKAY

[13:19:31] Dave: BUT AGAIN, THERE’S JUST YOU

[13:19:38] Jac: ๐Ÿ˜›

[13:19:45] Dave: you WORRY the madness of the ELDER ONES might be SEEPING THROUGH YOUR BEEHELM

[13:20:00] Dave: at the DOOR to the DINING ROOM you hear voices

[13:20:09] Dave: ELDRITCH VOICES

[13:20:26] Jac: humany eldritch voices or squamous eldritch voices?

[13:20:34] Jac: like, are we talking possessed humans here?

[13:20:42] Dave: you LISTEN

[13:20:54] Dave: you GUESS they’re probably HUMAN

[13:21:05] Dave: one of them is talking about the NEW SERIES OF TOP MODEL

[13:21:26] Jac: hmm, I’m going to need to get out of here somehow. Open the door a crack and peek out

[13:21:41] Dave: roll for peek

[13:21:53] Jac: 15

[13:22:01] Dave: you PEEP UP A STORM

[13:22:18] Dave: it is like a LOOKING PARTY IN YOUR EYES AND EVERYONE’S INVITED

[13:22:35] Dave: there are TWO MARGINALLY LESS SHITTY WIZARDS DISCUSSING THEIR PLANS

[13:22:54] Dave: “i am sick of this being possessed by the Deep Ones nonsense, howard”

[13:23:16] Dave: “i cannot tell when i should randomly capitalise Important Elements of the Story”

[13:23:45] Dave: “Well, Jeremy, you could go to the Grand Ballroom and confront the Elder One himself”

[13:23:55] Dave: “IF YOU DARE”

[13:24:03] Jac: I cast +10 persuasion on myself, plus a glamor that looks like the other wizard, and step out

[13:24:25] Jac: “dudes, I’m sick of the Deep Ones too, we should totally throw off our shackles of oppression”

[13:24:57] Dave: the STAFF OF DOING casts that SPELL, though now it REGRETS NOT SETTING MORE STRINGENT PERAMETERS OF ITS CAPABILITIES

[13:25:05] Jac: (dance)

[13:25:20] Dave: “oh hi mike, you’re still upset about our Dental Plan, huh”

[13:25:42] Dave: “yeah mike, lay off the Great Lord, he doesn’t even understand Basic Human Anatomy”

[13:26:13] Jac: I dunno guys, but we could totally get a dental plan by working for the daemonites instead

[13:26:28] Dave: “i heard they had a good union, howard”

[13:26:28] Jac: also: space ships

[13:26:39] Dave: “they get beer on fridays and free fruit”

[13:27:03] Dave: the WIZARDS’ COMMITTMENT TO THEIR CURRENT EMPLOYER IS WAVERING!

[13:27:26] Jac: and you get to fight superman instead of hanging around a dank mansion getting arthritis

[13:27:44] Dave: the WIZARDS ARE NOW UP IN ARMS

[13:28:15] Dave: they march out of the SPOOKY MANSION, but OFF-CAMERA so you still don’t know HOW THE HECK TO ABSCOND

[13:28:24] Jac: cool cool cool

[13:28:33] Jac: can I hear Cthulhu sleeping?

[13:28:43] Dave: you LISTEN

[13:28:45] Dave: NOPE

[13:28:55] Dave: there are TWO DOORS

[13:29:01] Jac: left door plz

[13:29:14] Dave: to the NORTH is the GALLERY, to the WEST is the ARMORY

[13:29:21] Dave: LEFT HAS ONLY RELATIVE MEANING

[13:29:34] Jac: armory

[13:29:38] Dave: you become INSTANTLY DEMORALISED at your INABILITY TO LISTEN

[13:29:48] Jac: armory

[13:29:48] Dave: okay

[13:29:58] Dave: you RUN BRASHLY INTO THE ARMORY

[13:30:09] Dave: WILLY NILLY AND HEEDLESS OF PERIL

[13:30:22] Dave: it is full of GHOSTS

[13:30:25] Dave: D:

[13:30:37] Jac: my beehelm should protect me

[13:30:58] Dave: the GHOSTS ATTACK

[13:31:05] Dave: roll for defence

[13:31:46] Jac: 2, and I’d like it to include wrapping the head ghost around my wizard staff to create a ghostly wick for a beeswax candle that’ll repell other ghosts with its light

[13:32:10] Jac: basically, we’re weaving a ghost

[13:32:26] Dave: you CAST SPOOKKNIT

[13:32:32] Dave: it’s SUPER-EFFECTIVE!

[13:33:00] Jac: quick! roll a candle and search for a match!

[13:33:08] Dave: the MAYOR OF PEACEFUL GHOSTTOWNE falls victim to the GHASTLAMP you have concocted

[13:33:15] Jac: yaaay

[13:33:32] Dave: the GHOSTS have ABJURED

[13:33:36] Dave: the ARMORY IS YOURS

[13:33:43] Jac: now I can get a weapon to slay dread cthulhu with

[13:34:15] Dave: you SEARCH the ARMORY for suitable ordnance

[13:34:17] Dave: NOPE

[13:34:47] Dave: though ON REFLECTION it would be PRETTY DUMB of CTHULHU to store a weapon for his own OBLITERATION in his BACK ROOM

[13:34:59] Jac: do we have anything that’s less super effective

[13:35:00] Dave: there are some RAD BROADSWORDS THOUGH

[13:35:14] Dave: one has a PECULIAR INSCRIPTION

[13:35:17] Jac: ok, we’ll pick up one of those, and the wok will be a good shield

[13:35:41] Dave: you HEFT the UNUSUAL BROADSWORD

[13:35:47] Dave: it is REALLY UNUSUAL

[13:36:02] Dave: there is a STRANGE INSCRIPTION on the HILT

[13:36:14] Jac: read it?

[13:36:22] Dave: you READ THE INSCRIPTION

[13:36:46] Dave: “the roof flies off, the walls, the floors:

I wish I’d known we’d been indoors”

[13:36:50] Dave: CATCHY

[13:37:24] Jac: cool, now we need to find cthulhu, for the end of lunch is approaching and I have to get everything done before 3

[13:37:39] Dave: TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE

[13:37:45] Jac: also, the world might end

[13:37:47] Dave: there is a GRAND STAIRCASE

[13:37:58] Dave: leading to a MASSIVE STONE DOOR

[13:38:20] Dave: the DOOR IS WROUGHT AT ANGLES YOUR PUNY HUMAN HEAD STRUGGLES TO CONCEIVE

[13:38:32] Dave: but that is BARELY SURPRISING

[13:38:44] Dave: you gird your BEEHELM

[13:38:54] Jac: I’d imagine my beemask protects me a little bit from non euclidean geometry

[13:39:21] Dave: your CRITICAL FACULTIES ARE BOLSTERED BY THE POWER OF THE BEES

[13:39:40] Dave: you stride PURPOSEFULLY TO THE ILL-BODING DOOR

[13:39:54] Dave: you hear UNEARTHLY BREATHING, as of a GREAT BEAST

[13:40:01] Jac: cthulhu lies sleeping

[13:40:13] Dave: THAT IS A REASONABLE ASSUMPTION

[13:40:24] Dave: open door of spooky doom?

[13:40:54] Jac: yes, currently girding loins

[13:41:09] Dave: your LOINS are 50% more GIRDED

[13:41:16] Jac: by magic from the staff

[13:41:20] Dave: +5 damage for LOIN ATTACKS

[13:41:34] Dave: the door CREAKS OPEN, despite being MADE OF STONE

[13:41:41] Dave: KINDA SPOOKY!

[13:41:46] Andrew: BOO

[13:41:51] Dave: OH SHIT!!!

[13:41:55] Jac: oh no, andrew is cthulhu

[13:42:09] Dave: from the dank shadows a disgusting, twisted form looms forth

[13:42:22] Dave: it bodes ill for you and your mighty BEEGARB

[13:42:31] Jac: MY LOINS ARE GIRDED

[13:42:41] Dave: from one of his SEVEN BLOODY MOUTHS come forth these words:

[13:42:55] Andrew Moir: LIKE GRRRRRRRR AND STUFF

[13:43:02] Jac: OMG

[13:43:07] Dave: you have never been so scared

[13:43:08] Jac: IT *IS* ANDREW

[13:43:13] Jac: or is it me….

[13:43:15] Dave: THAT’S THE TWIST

[13:43:22] Jac: I use like a lot

[13:43:23] Dave: NO IT’S ANDREW

[13:43:30] Andrew: wait am I keyser soze?

[13:43:36] Jac: yes

[13:43:38] Dave: STAY IN CHARACTER DAMMIT

[13:43:48] Andrew: grrrrr aaaargh

[13:44:02] Jac: I heft my mighty sword to strike a killing blow to the beast’s neck

[13:44:12] Dave: roll for killing blow

[13:44:17] Jac: 17

[13:44:20] Dave: WOAH

[13:44:39] Dave: you leap high into the air, your mighty boots lifted by your BEE ALLIES

[13:44:45] Andrew: I’m all ouchy and stuff

[13:45:03] Dave: you spin in a badass manner and kind of HANG IN SLOW MOTION at the peak of your LEAPARC

[13:45:32] Dave: the SWORD bites DEEP into CHTHANDREW’S OOZING JUGULAR

[13:45:51] Jac: Acid blood? or normal blood?

[13:46:09] Dave: you wait to see what kind of CONTINUITY this ALIEN BLOOD follows

[13:46:11] Dave: wait…

[13:46:13] Dave: something’s happening…

[13:46:44] Dave: instead of DEEP GRUESOME BLOODGOO, there is A BEAM OF LIGHT shining from the DREADBEAST’S OPENED VEINS

[13:47:09] Dave: it suffuses the room in hallowed shinyness, until it becomes too bright to see

[13:47:20] Jac: MY BEEHELM SHALL PROTECT MEEEEE

[13:47:28] Dave: you feel yourself being LIFTED BY AN UNSEEN FORCE THAT IS ALMOST CERTAINLY NOT BEES

[13:47:34] Dave: all is light

[13:47:45] Dave: then, slowly, a form appears

[13:48:02] Dave: it is a RECRUITMENT OFFICER FROM THE FBI

[13:48:44] Jac: SWEET. DO YOU NEED A NEW PERSON TO INVESTIGATE STRANGE PHENOMENA ACROSS THE UNITED STATES

[13:48:52] Jac: IN A COOL CAR

[13:49:17] Dave: “hahaha miss thurmond, why else would we have brought you here to this cthulhu practice simulator”

[13:49:32] Dave: “you have passed with flying colours”

[13:49:45] Jac: so, does this mean I get to be put on the extraterrestrial task force

[13:49:54] Jac: with will smith and tommy lee jones

[13:50:17] Dave: “oh don’t be silly there’s no such thing as aliens or space lizard emperors who even said that hahaha”

[13:50:24] Dave: “but you will be battling cthulhu”

[13:50:30] Jac: this I can handle

[13:50:34] Dave: “here’s your badge and Deep Gun”

[13:50:46] Dave: “and regulation shades”

[13:50:53] Jac: *nice*

[13:51:01] Dave: you DON the SHADES

[13:51:07] Dave: your vitals soar

[13:51:16] Jac: journey plays in the background

[13:51:18] Dave: roll for SHIT JUST GOT REAL

[13:51:21] Jac: 17

[13:51:24] Dave: SHIT

[13:51:26] Dave: JUST

[13:51:28] Dave: GOT

[13:51:29] Dave: REAL

[13:51:31] Jac: ๐Ÿ˜Ž

[13:51:38] Dave: the end.

[13:51:42] Jac: dadadadadadadadah

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