[12:52:59] Dave: You AWAKE to find yourself inside a FUTURISTIC LOOKING JAIL CELL. You know it’s futuristic because there is a COOL BLUE FORCEFIELD instead of a DOOR. It looks DANGEROUS and AWESOME. You inspect the cell. You have your SOILED JAILGARB, a TOOTHBRUSH and your FUTURECUFFS. In the CELL there is a BUNK, a SINK and a TOILET. In the next door CELL you see a SKETCHY LOOKING BRO.
[12:53:03] Dave: What do you do?
[12:53:22] Jac: hmm
[12:54:23] Jac: can I make the bro my ally?
[12:54:29] Dave: roll for alliance
[12:54:33] Jac: 6
[12:54:42] Dave: you roll 6 out of 20
[12:54:54] Dave: you COMPLIMENT him on his STOCKY FRAME
[12:55:02] Dave: turns out he’s TOUCHY ABOUT HIS WEIGHT
[12:55:31] Dave: he throws a KNIFE through the BARS because security in here is KIND OF LAX
[12:55:41] Jac: it’s a forcefield, dude
[12:55:48] Dave: not on the SIDE OF THE CELL, there were BUDGET CUTS
[12:56:02] Dave: only the DOOR
[12:56:04] Dave: SMARTASS
[12:56:35] Jac: let’s antagonize him some more until he makes a swing at me and runs right into the door forcefield, knocking him out
[12:56:42] Jac: aikido, bitch
[12:56:51] Dave: roll for aikido
[12:56:55] Jac: 9
[12:57:07] Dave: you TAUNT the ROUGHNECK
[12:57:12] Dave: TAUNT SUCCESS!
[12:57:40] Dave: He charges through the FORCEFIELD, the gold caps on his ROUGHNECK MOLARS fuse the wiring.
[12:57:53] Dave: the FORCEFIELD is DISABLED, the ROUGHNECK collapses, roughly.
[12:58:23] Jac: go me
[12:58:31] Dave: WOOT
[12:58:40] Dave: you exit the CELL
[12:58:43] Jac: taking the toothbrush with me
[12:58:56] Dave: to the NORTH is the MED BAY, TO THE east is the ARMORY
[12:59:08] Jac: lemme break my toothbrush into a point first
[12:59:19] Dave: there is a SUSPICIOUSLY UNGUARDED AIR CONDITIONING GRATE at your feet
[12:59:27] Dave: you fashion the TOOTHBRUSH into a RUDIMENTARY SHIV
[12:59:47] Dave: the SHIV is +2 DAMAGE against ROUGHNECKS
[12:59:58] Jac: can I use the point of the toothbrush to unscrew the grate?
[13:00:04] Dave: roll for macgyver
[13:00:14] Jac: 14
[13:00:28] Dave: you unscrew the crap out of the GRATE
[13:00:39] Dave: the GRATE has never felt so CHEAP
[13:00:51] Dave: the AIR DUCT is DARK and full of TERRORS
[13:01:04] Jac: hmm, I’m going to get the roughneck’s jailgarb to fashion kneepads first
[13:01:14] Jac: and for hand protection
[13:01:30] Dave: you whip up a fancy pair of GARBPADS
[13:01:44] Dave: +2 defence, +4 dapperosity
[13:02:04] Dave: were there any FLOOSIES in the area you would be A PRIZE CATCH
[13:02:40] Jac: will keep this in mind for later, but for now, time to explore the duct since I assume there are going to be guards in this prison?
[13:02:52] Dave: YOU ASSUME CORRECTLY
[13:03:03] Dave: you enter the AIRDUCT
[13:03:10] Dave: you find a BUTTON
[13:03:18] Dave: you WONDERED what had happened to it
[13:03:54] Dave: you follow the DUCT. it passes over a ROOM FULL OF ARMAMENTS
[13:03:58] Dave: you GUESS it’s the ARMORY
[13:04:16] Jac: check for bros
[13:04:23] Dave: scanning…
[13:04:34] Dave: the ARMORY appears to be BRO-FREE
[13:04:49] Jac: ok, let’s use the toothbrush point to break in
[13:05:17] Dave: you MACGYVER into the ARMORY, dropping silently to the floor with CATLIKE AGILITY
[13:05:35] Dave: on the TABLE is a TASER GUN, a CREW MANIFEST and an ARREST WARRANT
[13:06:08] Jac: take all of those
[13:06:20] Dave: you SWIPE the STUFF
[13:06:34] Jac: can I get back up to the airvent?
[13:07:14] Dave: in your HASTE to DO THAT THING IN FILMS WHERE HEROES DROP TO THE GROUND ON ONE KNEE AND ONE HAND you forgot to think of an ESCAPE ROUTE
[13:07:23] Dave: the DUCT is INACCESSIBLE
[13:07:30] Dave: to the NORTH is the GUARD DORMS
[13:07:33] Jac: even with the table?
[13:07:39] Dave: to the EAST is the TOILETS
[13:07:47] Dave: to the WEST is the JAIL
[13:07:54] Dave: the TABLE is RICKETY AS SHIT
[13:08:34] Jac: to the toilets then, they usually have both airvent access and high things to stand on
[13:08:49] Dave: you ENTER the TOILETS
[13:09:03] Dave: there is a BRO taking a LEAK
[13:09:14] Dave: WELL THIS IS AWKWARD
[13:10:15] Jac: damn, I guess it’s too much to hope for that the guard would be in the bathroom in part because he spilt tea on his uniform shirt
[13:10:28] Jac: and thus has a damp shirt
[13:10:51] Dave: his MOTIVATIONS are as MYSTERIOUS TO YOU as the WHIMSICAL ZEPHYRS of your HOME PLANET
[13:11:03] Dave: he hasn’t NOTICED YOU THOUGH
[13:11:05] Dave: BRO LOVES TO PEE
[13:11:24] Jac: let’s walk stompy-like like a guy and grunt a bit, pretending to be a guard while going to a stall
[13:11:33] Jac: otherwise I would going to try to properly electrocute him
[13:11:45] Dave: “HEY BRO”, you SAY, STOMPING CONVINCINGLY
[13:12:13] Dave: “HEY JARED”, says the BRO. “MAN, WHEN ARE THEY GOING TO CLEAN ALL THE LEAKS IN HERE”
[13:12:24] Dave: “I AM LITERALLY STANDING IN A SHITLOAD OF TOILET WATER RIGHT NOW”
[13:12:34] Dave: you are now SAFELY ENSCONSED in the CUBICLE
[13:12:47] Jac: have I noticed any airducts yet?
[13:12:54] Dave: roll to notice
[13:12:58] Jac: 3
[13:13:31] Dave: not only do you NOT NOTICE the AIRDUCT directly above you, you also KIND OF FORGET WHO YOU ARE, and CARRY ON A LENGTHY CONVERSATION ABOUT SPORTS
[13:13:43] Dave: +1 FRIENDSHIP WITH BROS
[13:13:51] Dave: perk gained: Friend of Man
[13:14:07] Dave: you can now make SMALL TALK at the DROP OF A HAT
[13:14:27] Dave: what is taking you so long in that DAMN CUBICLE
[13:14:54] Dave: asks the BRO, WASHING his HANDS
[13:15:12] Jac: The pasta bake from the cafeteria today
[13:15:21] Jac: is what’s taking me so long
[13:15:26] Dave: “OH”
[13:15:29] Jac: might be a while
[13:15:35] Dave: SILENCE REIGNS
[13:15:54] Dave: the BRO is UNNERVED. His GUARD is at an ALL TIME LOW
[13:16:11] Jac: so unless you want to be scarred for life, you might want to get back to work
[13:17:02] Jac: (I’ve got my finger on the trigger aiming for a puddle of water under the door that he’s standing in in the meantime)
[13:17:33] Dave: the BRO remains SILENT
[13:17:49] Dave: you THINK you hear his STEPS heading toward the CUBICLE
[13:18:22] Jac: ok, looks like it’s going to be electrocution time. tucking my legs up and firing..
[13:18:34] Dave: you climb on the seat and aim
[13:18:39] Dave: roll for TASE
[13:18:43] Jac: 17
[13:18:53] Dave: you CLICK the TASER
[13:19:46] Dave: ELECTRICITY pulses forth with the power of a THOUSAND REASONABLY PRICED TOASTERS, lighting the room like the decorative WINTER SOLSTICE TREES of your bizarre HOME PLANET
[13:19:59] Dave: there is a GIRLISH SCREAM as you TASE THE BRO
[13:20:03] Jac: I totally had it turned all the way up
[13:20:14] Dave: the smell of BURNT HAIR fills your nostrils
[13:20:31] Dave: then a THUMP
[13:21:15] Jac: I spring to action, leave the room and scavenge his gun and electric baton, which I assume he has. Is the uniform also clean?
[13:22:01] Dave: you take his UNBELIEVABLY SHITTY PISTOL. Seriously, this thing SUCKS. However, the BRO has clearly been SUCCESSFULLY TASED.
[13:22:11] Dave: you have gained a new perk: TESLA’S ACOLYTE
[13:22:16] Jac: and the baton. what about the baton
[13:22:19] Dave: +1 with electric weapons
[13:22:26] Jac: he has to have a baton
[13:22:49] Dave: you find an ELECTRIC BATON, fully CHARGED. you swap it for your SPENT TASER
[13:23:10] Dave: However, the GUARD has LIBERALLY SOILED his GUARDPANTS
[13:23:16] Dave: you really DID A NUMBER on him
[13:23:24] Dave: his GUARDSHIRT is FINE though
[13:23:41] Jac: damn, take the shirt leave the trousers. Hopefully I’ll look enough like a guard from the waist up
[13:23:48] Dave: HOPEFULLY
[13:24:11] Dave: you DON the GUARDSHIRT. +1 when TALKING to BROS. You’re PRETTY GREAT AT THAT NOW
[13:24:26] Dave: you REALISE you HAVEN’T READ THE STUFF YOU PICKED UP
[13:24:38] Jac: read them then
[13:24:38] Dave: READ STUFF?
[13:24:44] Dave: COOL
[13:25:30] Dave: the ARREST WARRANT concerns you: it APPEARS you have been brought to the IMPERIAL SPACE JAIL for IMMINENT TRIAL before the LIZARD EMPEROR
[13:25:44] Dave: you were a TOTAL DICK to him this one time
[13:25:59] Jac: looks like I’ll have to escape to a shuttle and get off the planet then
[13:26:10] Dave: IT WOULD APPEAR SO
[13:26:20] Dave: OBJECTIVE GAINED: CHEESE IT
[13:27:06] Dave: the EMPLOYEE MANIFEST reads that besides SOILY McTASEDPANTS there are THREE other BROS, a CHIEF OF GUARDS and…
[13:27:08] Dave: and…
[13:27:14] Dave: oh my goodness…
[13:27:17] Dave: THE LIZARD EMPEROR HIMSELF
[13:27:22] Dave: D:
[13:27:48] Jac: do we know anything about the weaknesses of the lizard people?
[13:28:06] Dave: they are IMPERVIOUS to SARCASM
[13:28:17] Dave: your RAPIER WIT is no good here
[13:28:40] Dave: a TALE comes back to you from your time on your WEIRDASS HOME PLANET
[13:28:52] Dave: LIZARDS really HATE SUNLIGHT
[13:28:57] Dave: IT’S LIKE, THE WORST
[13:29:19] Jac: got a plan then
[13:29:28] Jac: leaving the toilet and heading out
[13:29:37] Jac: it’s time to get to one of the outer doors
[13:29:55] Dave: to the NORTH is the GUARD DORMS, ABOVE YOU is the AIRDUCT
[13:30:21] Jac: airduct
[13:30:32] Dave: you ABSCOND to the DUCTS
[13:30:35] Jac: heading in the direction of the guard rooms
[13:30:40] Jac: they’ll probably be at the front
[13:30:46] Jac: near one of the exit doors
[13:30:59] Dave: you crawl above the GUARD ROOM. on the wall is a FLOOR PLAN
[13:31:36] Dave: you notice that to the NORTH is the SCIENCE LAB and OBSERVATION DECK, the EAST some kind of SPOOKY, FOREBODING ANTECHAMBER
[13:32:00] Jac: oooh, science lab and observation deck
[13:32:14] Dave: you go to the LABDECK
[13:32:28] Dave: the LAB waits below you, INVITINGLY
[13:32:33] Jac: we need to lure the lizard emperor to the observation deck, then lift the sunlight filter
[13:32:43] Dave: that sounds REASONABLE
[13:32:54] Jac: am I right in thinking this planet has a similar sunlight level to earth? and that it’s noon?
[13:33:07] Jac: Or maybe….. is even brighter than earth?
[13:33:24] Dave: i’m PRETTY SURE i MENTIONED this was a SPACE PRISON
[13:33:26] Dave: but ANYWAY
[13:33:28] Dave: YES
[13:33:34] Jac: damn, ok space
[13:33:42] Jac: which means it’ll face the sun at some point in its orbit
[13:33:50] Dave: the PLANET’S SUN will be hitting the SPACE PRISON within the next HALF HOUR
[13:34:08] Jac: I’m going to a control panel to set the filter to raise in 30 minutes
[13:34:24] Jac: in the meantime, am hiding in one of the lab closets
[13:34:38] Dave: you DO THE HERO THING into the LAB
[13:34:46] Dave: there are NO SCIENTISTS on BOARD
[13:35:16] Dave: it appears the BROS have been PLAYING POKER with the TRANSPLANT ORGANS
[13:35:32] Dave: MEDICAL EQUIPMENT litters the floor
[13:35:38] Jac: but are there any chemicals that could be explosive when mixed together stowed away
[13:35:55] Dave: you CHECK for EXPLOSIVE STUFF
[13:36:22] Dave: there is some HUMAN FAT, which unless the film FIGHT CLUB is TALKING NONSENSE, can be used as a MAKESHIFT EXPLOSIVE
[13:36:30] Jac: hmm
[13:36:41] Jac: render that into glycerine then
[13:37:11] Dave: you use your HANDWAVEY SCIENCE SKILLS to render a useful FATBOMB
[13:37:21] Dave: you are now ARMED TO THE TEETH
[13:37:25] Dave: go team
[13:37:36] Jac: two fatbombs, one small one huge
[13:37:40] Dave: CORRECT
[13:37:57] Jac: and the filter is set to raise
[13:38:07] Jac: is it almost 30 minutes yet?
[13:38:08] Dave: you reach for the FILTER CONTROLS
[13:38:12] Dave: JUST THEN
[13:38:22] Dave: there is an announcement over the TANNOY SYSTEM
[13:38:33] Dave: it is the LIZARD EMPEROR
[13:38:49] Dave: he says that they found a topless BRO wallowing in his own POOP
[13:38:54] Jac: clearly a pervert
[13:39:09] Dave: he reported a charming JARED wandering the HALLS, then discovered your EMPTY CELL
[13:39:19] Jac: PLAN B PLAN B
[13:39:22] Dave: he says he is COMING TO DEAL WITH YOU HIMSELF
[13:39:31] Dave: the TANNOY CUTS OUT MENACINGLY
[13:39:44] Jac: no time for the filter now, set off the minibomb
[13:39:48] Dave: then the LIGHTING GOES ALL RED LIKE THAT BIT IN SERENITY
[13:39:56] Dave: you PRIME the MINIFATBOMB
[13:40:05] Dave: roll for bomb
[13:40:09] Jac: 8
[13:40:44] Dave: the BOMB blows the DOOR of the LAB off, into the OBSERVATION DECK. You notice a LARGE AIRCRAFT HANGAR beyond.
[13:41:00] Jac: YES
[13:41:02] Dave: it was KIND OF A DISAPPOINTING EXPLOSION, IF YOU’RE HONEST
[13:41:45] Jac: it was supposed to be disappointing. lemme get behind the point that’ll seal off areas of the ship with punctures
[13:41:55] Jac: which should be in the aircraft hangar
[13:42:03] Jac: since that’s a high risk area
[13:42:11] Dave: you HASTEN to the HANGAR, hitting an IMPRESSIVE LOOKING RED BUTTON
[13:42:16] Dave: it goes BEEP
[13:42:17] Jac: wait wait wait
[13:42:28] Dave: WOAH WHAT
[13:42:59] Jac: by this point, the guards and lizard emperor should have entered the science lab since that entry’s the closest to the crew quarters and cells
[13:43:10] Dave: that MAKES LOGISTICAL SENSE
[13:43:14] Jac: and I’ll be on the other side of the blowout
[13:43:15] Jac: so……
[13:43:28] Dave: the LAB FILLS WITH BROS and ONE LIZARD EMPEROR
[13:43:33] Jac: DETONATE THE BIGGER BOMB, which is stowed right next to the observation window
[13:43:50] Jac: which should blow out the glass, and the hangar will seal itself off
[13:44:00] Jac: if I’m lucky
[13:44:18] Dave: this is SO TENSE
[13:44:24] Dave: roll for detonate
[13:44:27] Jac: 18
[13:44:30] Dave: OH SNAP
[13:44:45] Dave: there is a TRULY FUCKKNOCKING EXPLOSION
[13:44:56] Dave: BBBWWWWOOOOOOOSSHHHHHFEEWWWWWWW
[13:45:03] Dave: your EARS RING
[13:45:18] Dave: BLACK SMOKE fills the UNDAMAGED HANGAR
[13:45:22] Dave: but…
[13:45:25] Dave: no…
[13:45:40] Dave: THE LIZARD EMPEROR STRIDES PURPOSEFULLY FROM THE WRECKAGE
[13:45:51] Jac: welp, I’m just going to have to hit that red button and run
[13:46:00] Dave: you HIT THE IMPRESSIVE RED BUTTON
[13:46:16] Dave: it DISPENSES a DELICIOUS MUG OF COCOA
[13:46:19] Dave: take COCOA?
[13:46:29] Jac: throw the cocoa at the lizard king’s eyes
[13:46:37] Dave: roll for cocoa
[13:46:42] Jac: 7
[13:47:02] Dave: you throw the TASTY COCOA at the LIZARD EMPEROR
[13:47:20] Dave: it MISSES HIS EYES and hits him directly in the MOUTH
[13:47:32] Dave: he takes gulp after gulp of SUGARY TREATS
[13:47:47] Dave: TURNS OUT he is DEATHLY ALLERGIC to COCOA POWDER
[13:48:14] Dave: he drops to the ground, a HORRID SCRATCHY RASH breaking out on his MAJESTIC FOREHEAD
[13:48:20] Dave: he seems to be BECKONING YOU
[13:48:28] Dave: be beckoned?
[13:48:31] Jac: I’ll get another cocoa first
[13:48:35] Jac: then be beckoned
[13:48:44] Dave: you CASUALLY STROLL to the COCOA DISPENSARY
[13:49:16] Dave: then to the LIZARD EMPEROR, who is TWITCHING LIKE HE’S LISTENING TO DUBSTEP
[13:49:25] Jac: hello, lizard emperor
[13:49:33] Dave: “hisssssss”
[13:49:38] Dave: “ssssssssoo”
[13:49:43] Dave: “we meet at lassssssst”
[13:50:05] Jac: you going to repeal my arrest warrant or am I going to have to cocoa you again?
[13:50:26] Dave: “but there’s ssssssso much bureaucracccccccccy”
[13:50:48] Jac: well I hope you’re a fan of aztec chili chocolate
[13:50:54] Jac: which is obviously what this is
[13:51:16] Dave: “ssssssstop! pleassssssse! i sssssssubmit”
[13:51:31] Dave: “take the keysssssssss to my ssssssspace lexusssssssss”
[13:51:43] Jac: I take the keys and get the hell out of there
[13:52:00] Dave: you flip the ignition in the SPACE LEXUS
[13:52:10] Dave: open HANGAR DOORS?
[13:52:14] Jac: there’s classic rock playing on the radio too
[13:52:25] Jac: open hangar doors, without sealing off the wall behind me
[13:52:45] Dave: there is totally a SPACE RADIO STATION playing SWEET TRACKS from the FUTURE 80s on your HOME PLANET
[13:52:55] Dave: you open the HANGAR DOORS
[13:53:17] Dave: although SOUND DOES NOT TRAVEL IN SPACE, you think you hear the faint screaming of the LIZARD EMPEROR
[13:53:27] Dave: he is calling you a total DOUCHEBAG
[13:53:29] Jac: just covering all my bases
[13:53:34] Dave: he UNDERSTANDS
[13:53:41] Dave: roll for heroic ending
[13:53:45] Jac: 21
[13:53:57] Jac: I got an extra dice, see
[13:54:45] Dave: you REACH HOME, DISCOVER you OWN A DINOSAUR AS A PET, and that CHRIS HEMSWORTH has left a MESSAGE on your ANSWERPHONE asking you to go to the PREMIERE of AVENGERS 2
[13:54:53] Jac: (dance)
[13:54:56] Dave: and your supper is STILL HOT
[13:55:01] Dave: THE END.
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