It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas. The tinsel’s up in the stores, Santas are out en masse in our malls and film geeks all over the Internet are arguing about whether or not Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Yep, it’s the yuletide argument that’s more snore-inducing than a truckload of tryptophan. Does Die Hard really count as a Christmas movie? (Never mind that it’s set at Christmas, includes a Christmas party and features a dead terrorist wearing a Santa hat).
Rather than add another voice to an already-crowded debate that no-one really cares about, we decided to go straight to the source and ask the one guy who can definitively say whether a movie’s a Christmas movie or not – the Baby Jesus.
So, for this festive season, we’re proud to present the Baby Jesus’ views on some of the more well-known Christmas movies.
It’s a Wonderful Life
For the record, that “angel gets their wings” thing is a crock… But it still gets me every damned time. Waterworks like Niagra Falls.
Poor Macauley. At least when my Dad abandoned me, I was in my thirties.
My Dad moves in mysterious ways. REAL mysterious ways. But even knowing that, I still can’t buy the bit with Elisha Cuthbert and January Jones.
Tis the season…. TO KICK SOME ASS!!! Willis FTW!
On Earth, you may worship my Dad. Up here, we worship Bill Murray.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
In Hell, this plays on an endless loop with Jingle All The Way.
There’s a special circle in Hell for people who don’t love this Billy-Bob classic
There’s another special circle in Hell for anyone associated with this movie. Even the Gaffer.
I would say there’s another special circle in hell for this mob, but people involved in this film had to work with Reese Witherspoon. That’s way worse.
Ever want to learn the true meaning of Christmas? Look no further. It’s Dennis Leary, Judy Davis and Kevin Spacey.
Jingle All The Way
See Santa Claus Conquers the Martians above
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
You know that saying “Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole”? Sorry Chevy, even I think you’re an asshole.
Miracle on 34th Street
I like this one, but Dad’s not a fan. Something about giving too much credence to make believe characters.
I don’t like Mel Gibson. Hell, he made torture porn about me! (Try watching torture porn based on your life. It’s more uncomfortable than watching Basic Instinct with your parents when you’re 13.) Despite this, I can’t help but love the li’l scrapper in this life-affirming Christmas tale of drugs, prostitutes, guns, Gary Busey and the Three Stooges.
Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas
If this guy’s the face of modern Christianity, I’m converting. Seriously.
We spoke to the Baby Jesus as he was promoting The Holiday Season